well i'm sorry if you cannot take my sarcasm. friend? sorry. i guess i'm not ready to take the step to talk to you yet. because messaging you last night. made me realise that i'm not ready. you still have an effect.
dont say i'm not happy for you. its just that i dont know what to say. i am. and i really hope that you really love her.
wishing you all the best. until we get to talk again.

yesterday was a good day. we bumped into ben on the way home from school. and we went to chill after that. without ben. talking about morning glory and flag raising.

its all good.

i thought you were my fairytale.
my dream when i'm not sleeping.

but you're still my grimkeeper.

these tears are threatening to fall.

BORING POST AHEAD.

i think after so long. i think its time for me to do a proper blog entry about what has been going on the past few days rather than typing weird sappy stuff about dot dot.

yesterday was hell. as you all might know. or maybe i wasnt clear enough.

nicky pissed me off. nothing new. it seems that he always have a reason to get on my nerves. for once, be honest about what you feel and admit it. there are reasons why i dont want to get too close. but i'll still be a friend. class was alright listening to rosey's flirting lessons. so i moved and sit next to ben. trying my desperate hardest to make a conversation.

he said that something might come out of nothing.

i hope hafizah is alright. i'll hold your hand through the tears if you need me there. its alright to see the tears. its alright. its alright to cry. like a friend who told me once. it doesnt mean you're less of a person. it just means you're human.

somehow the past catches up with you.

work. two new people. from china. i had to speak chinese. and train one of them in EB. and jaime and to train the other one in IB. they couldn't understand the words that were coming out of my mouth. and i couldn't understand the words that were coming out of their mouths.
joy.
ian was being a nervous wreck. running all over the place. which scared the hell out of me. i had to be busy for well over 4 hours before i can have my break. at 11 plus in the night. see what i mean? but break was good because ian made sandwiches for me. and confessed that he's never cooked for his girlfriend before. aren't i fortunate? and a hug perked me up for the rest of closing the bloody shop with two people who cant understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.

i keep checking my phone to see if you've missed me.


i'd kill for another day with you.

and i almost watched the simpsons today did i mention. i asked ben out to go with me. asked me if it was a date. but whats new? he had no money. quite a turn off actually. i think he should go work or something. but like he said. it wouldnt be a good idea. he has FYP and track training. and a life. so i guess there isnt time to fit work in. unlike me.
and i wont be an angst piece of shit.

i'd follow you until the ends of the world as well.

i sent him a uber long message. that i'll still be proud of him. even though he might come in last. at least he finished the race. at least he didnt give up. but if he does enter IVP. i dont want him to enter thinking that he'll lose. even though i'm a pessimist. i'm optimistic for other people.
i'm that kind of person.

okay, i think i should stop here.
let me go enjoy josh whatever hs name is.
a date with tad hamilton! (that would be him for me)

there is a guy screaming somewhere.
i'm in my grandfather's room and it stinks worse than shit.
i'm watching cartoons.

and i wanna play 21 questions with you.
and only you.

talk to me.
let me know who you are.
and what you're about.

is money really necessary to spend a day with you?
just to have some time with you?

you say nothing is for certain.

there are things that can be done without money.
just time with you can be everything.

working yesterday seems that nothing is easy. really. i've been training for so long. but to train people in chinese? oh my goodness. i guess i'd have to learn it from them.

so i stepped out of my comfort zone and made a move.
i was so sure that i'd be okay for me to just simply move away.
i wouldnt know now would i?

is the grass truly greener on the other side?

i shall get my guts up.
like what shanie says.
the last day of the semester marks the day i stop trying.

if only i can.

i'm in love with the grimkeeper.
creepy, mysterious.
you never know what is inside.

and thats whats keeping me close to you.
because i want to know more.

i'm in love.

nicky just spoiled my day.
joy.

its a better day right now.

so long as i get to see ben.

it makes me feel like a princess.

so,
today is going to be a good day.

today is a bad day.

no.

today is a good day.
today is a good day.
today is a good day.

i'm going to stick to this mantra for the time being.

today is a good day.

okay.

now that future is in my hands.

its depressing. really.

i dont know why i dont seem to have an urge to blog anymore.

for the past 5 years of blogging.
i seem to have many entries when i'm angst.

so maybe its something new for me.
maybe i'm at a stage where i'm finally happy.

or i totally forgot about what i wanted to blog about.

i cant go to my blog,
so i potentially dont care right now.
livejournal is really tempting me.

i dont know what to do now.
i'm freezing and my mind is going out of control.

oldschool porn showing in class isnt helping either.

ohmygod.

everything is still for you.
cause baby i'll wait for you.


i was late for class.
and my laptop is still pissing me off.

i got my spongebob monopoly.

joy.

kaira says i'm a sicko.
i dont know why.
but she seems to love pinching my cheeks.
and my hugs.
but not my boobs.

weird child.

you both really deserve each other.
so tell me why i even bother.
congrats.
on your longest lie ever.

hope you have the strength to keep up with the charades.

i finally saw jasper after 1325467 days.
maybe that was a little too much.
but she got herself a boyfriend.
kinda young if you ask me.
but who am i to say anything?

because i'm such a horrible friend that. i forgot about people's birthday.
manely JASPER'S, and PETRINA SI'S.

well. happy birthday both!

I GOT MY TICKETS!
FOR 6TH OF SEPTEMBER!
I LOVE YOU LAURIE!

I'M OFF TO SEE THE JEWELER'S SHOP WITH POLKA DOTS!

motion sickness.

LORD HELP ME.

nessa, stop blog-hopping. i know that when you see other people being happy. you feel like shit because you wish you could be happy like them, well its no use. you're only bringing yourself down this way.
i'm here. for stupid skinny dipping sessions. and everything else.


CLAIRE.

i think i've become everything you hate.

i'm inching to everystep of word vomit.
and i dont think its that right way to do things.

501.

i had myself some really good home cooked food.








and some good company too.


not really good music.































i really wanted to watch jeweler's shop.
80% of the tickets are sold out for the show.
so i need a confirmation soon maybe. just maybe alright?

nesha. is. mad.

and this is the first time i've been on this thing for three hours trying to post pictures.
which is not good at all.
because it is pissing me off.
because i have to upload a picture at a time.

i bet he looked so hot that your panties were on fire.
yeah.
it can only be him.









there you go. after three hours and endless trips to the bock of church to buy batteries. so that i can give you all these pictures. there were more by the way. but i had no intention of throwing my laptop away.



two out of the many girls that cause me to blush and run all over school so that i can run away from embarrassment.
see what you girls do to me?
i'll never forget the day where nesha made me run out of the class with my face all red.
i wont.

today is a happy day.
so far.

until i was too shy to carry on.

ELJAY ON THE WAY.

eating lao fong prawn crackers.
instant noodles.
and alot of water.

salt content and water volume in the body are inversely proportionate.


i so wanted to go shopping.
out even out of the house.
but.
somehow things dont go all that well.

ben's got FYP presentation.
phase one is completed.
hopefully phase two would be more successful for him.
and less time consuming.

every word of yours still resides in my head.

classmates told faci about ben.
i dont usually blush.
but it made me run out of he class totally embarrassed.


i've given you my heart.
think about what you want to do with it.


i'm blogging rubbish.
livejournal.
here i come.

i've been blogging for about 5 years now.
and suddenly i want to throw it all away.

when i'm lost and all alone.
to me, you're home.

you're everything i wanted.
you're my dream come true.
when everything's back but you.


i dont know how to put it to words when i'm with you.
hopefully only actions can prove it.
but when i'm with you.
i dont know how to act.


but know that everything is all for you.

sorry nick.
i know it was all a little too much.
and that it wasnt like me.

okay.
umbrella is in my head like non-stop.

i need to get it out of my system.

but i cant get you out of my mind.

in my little locket.
i keep an imaginary picture of you and i.

it seems to be a cycle.
breakfast in class.
and then breakfast again during break.

no wonder someone said that i have a high fat percentage.


friendster is updated.
simple.
i like.

shit. i forgot what i wanted to say.
and it was going to be so romantic.

if the hints arent enough.
then what do i have to do?

spell it out for you?
or whisper in your ear.
oh the chemistry between us could destroy this place.

through it all.
you're my protection.

so i got a D for microbio.

I noticed that you were paying absolutely no attention when other teams were presenting. You did contribute I think 1 point to the FMT, but had nothing to say in the 2nd meeting. Also need to improve on your presentation skills...try to get the attention of the class...stand up, speak up and explain in your own words.

so try to understand how i feel right now.

i think that i should really stop reading blogs that bring me down.
sometimes i feel like i should stop having a blog altogether.
the thought of going all the way to live journal seems to be the best choice.
and i can el-jay all i want and no one know except for a chosen few.
i'm very tempted for the fact that LJ is already up.

having headaches in class is seriously not helping.
but the love all around is.

i guess the emotional periods are now over.
since wallowing in self pity is something that i have grown out of.
since that faithful day.

yesterday seems to be different from what i expected.
because everything seems to be a matter of fact until the funeral.
no wonder laurie said that its okay to cry.
because sometimes emotion cannot be controlled.
at the end of it all.
he's still my father.
full stop.

i think my head is aching more.
maybe because i'm drinking.
and its in school and its not allowed.
i only took two sips.

my mood has been like a rollercoaster for the past fifteen minutes.
its not good for the heart.
like how some research has shown that when your mood changes, you weight changes at the same time.
but since ben said that i have a high fat percentage, i should probably lose most of it.
get myself some muscle.
even though i have no bloody intention of going to the gym anytime soon.

fatty acid synthesis is what i'm doing now and i have no idea what on earth i'm reading.
alright then.
its times like this i have to prove to myself that i'm smart.

kaira,
i'll have mi-lo for you anytime.
like my hugs and my trying ability to comfort.
i may not know whats going on.
but i dont need to know to comfort now do i?
my hugs are here for you anytimes.
just like how i'm here for you anytime.

E35L,
God bless you all.
cause when the sun shines we'll shine together.
and we'll make it through.
i hope.
my happy pills.

ben seems to be the only person who thinks that talking is troublesome.
but its alright now.
because now i know that you only believe in logic.

i'm going to name my laptop eddie.
it used to be freddy kruger.
no i think i shall name it after my dad.

cause i respect him.

sean is smelly. end of story.

cousins are being bitchy. i have no idea why. maybe its because we're all tired and and hungry. being here sine i have no idea what time. and male cousin rush all the way back from camp. see? family is close after all. even though i have thoughts of saying bullshit. cousins are tight. only the cousins.

i officially do not like wakes because i have no idea what to do. honestly. half the time i'm like. am i supposed to do this? am i supposed to be here?
i guess that explains everything. i've never done anything like this before. i guess my dad would be the first relative that you pass on.

family is noisy.

you're coming tomorrow. okay. you made my day all over again. two days in a row.
you're everything i need.

i know that i can stand under your umbrellas.

amanda's message made my morning.
lexine's post made my whole day.

you made me love you more.

great.

now i feel like eating cake.

i knew i loved you before i met you.

i can't stand to fly.
i'm not that naive.
i'm more than a bird.
i'm more than a place.
i'm more than just a pretty face beside a train.
i wish that i could cry.
and fall upon my knees.


i want to stand with you on a mountain.
i want to bathe with you in the sea.
i want to lay like this forever.
until the sky falls down on me.

microbiology just screwed my day.

EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD.

but thanks for the comfort.

YOU MADE MY DAY.

enough said.

ALL THAT I'VE GOT.

wake was alright. a couple of people came today. many of them were from church.
and somehow they had no idea that it was my father who left.

but thanks for those who came.

• anthony.
• desmond ng.
• jeremy.
• jared.
• justin.
• lexine.
• sean.
• auntie joanna.
• auntie martha.
• uncle henry.
• uncle andrew.
• auntie daisy.
• nicky boy.
• sherilyn.
• shanie.
• shakthee.
• amalina.
• nurimah.
• sheryl.
• smily.
• all those who i can't really remember.

thanks to those who wished me too.
i'll be fine.

thank you <3 for making me feel alright again. you made me feel like everything wasnt a bore and cheered me up and made me laugh. thank you for everything.

thank you for the sugar rush.

when you're gone.
the pieces of my heart are missing you.

okay people. stop asking me if i'm okay because i'm perfectly fine. honest. i'm not crying my eyes out like some people think i should be. i'm relieved that he's gone. so that he can stop suffering.

so maybe i'm not feeling the after effects of losing my father yet. or maybe it wont set in. since he was practically never there. i'm sure i'll be alright because i'm strong.

you shine brighter than everyone else.

thank you. in the midst of my tears. you made me laugh. well. your sarcasm did. i dont know why. i miss you. but somehow. some part of me tells me that this isnt going to work out. i can tel myself to keep trying. like mind over matter. but we'll see wont we. it wont hurt less if i dont get to see you today.

you make it okay.
i miss you.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY DAD.
03031954-16072007.

MINUTES TO SECONDS.

alright. so he didn't perform for the campus relay. and he's pretty beat up about it. because he didn't did as well as he'd expected. so i got sarcasm overload. nothing unusual. at least i didnt get pissed off because i misread his message. but then i got an insult saying that i wasn't so bright after all. its alright. since i wasnt paying attention. it just gives me a chance to prove him wrong. a door closes. but another door opens and its full of opportunities.

when your strength is all but gone.
i'll carry you until you are strong.

whatever it is. i'm not giving up just yet. i wont back down because of taunts and jests. i believe i'm worth more than this. i know that i can do it. its not just a school girl crush that you all see in class. because its not the looks. and i know it. like how i told it to nicky boy.

i dont believe that i'll go down like this.


just simply waiting for the time that he will go to heaven and meet the Lord. its alright. we're expecting it one way or another.

And when your strength is all but gone
I'll carry you until you're strong

i dont need the arrogance.
but because its you thats why i take it in.

i found love in the most unexpected of places. maybe god has answered my prayers. well. most of them anyway. i guess its not what others might have expected. but its fine by me.

he said: let me be the one to make you happy and i'll take care of you. i'd never want to let you go.

daddy almost died yesterday.
twice.
so please tell me the today is going to be a good day.


okay. so hotness is in the line of sight. today is going to be a better day than expected.

i had a chocolate feast yesterday with a loved one. okay. maybe it was feast on the eyes when i saw all the chocolate cakes that was there. and the chocolate fondue. unbelievable.

shoulders are strong and steady to lay my head on when i need you.
i'm yours.
and you are mine.

heart dont fail me now.

okay. i'm losing heart. things arent exactly going well as i hoped it would. caught a glance of him during lunch and thats about it. somehow what i think is that he's trying to amuse me. be nice to me. rather than really be into me. if you know what i mean.
maybe this is just a silly schoolgirl crush. that i should get over by the time comes. which is the end of the semester.
although i have this kind of fantasy that he'll be my knight in shining armor and sweep me off my feet. that wont happen. unless i keep praying to god for it. then maybe he'll be nice enough to give me what i have hoped for.
i know most of you guys think that this is just a crush or me drooling infront of someone like orlando bloom. but it takes the smallest crush to make something happen.

lord knows what i need is love. especially in a time like this. and i wouldnt mind someone like me polka dots.


in times like these.
you seem so perfect.

and i'd give up forever to touch you.
cause i know that you'll feel me somehow.

i'm caught between a skirt and a pair of shorts for tomorrow. because everybody knows i like to dress pretty for mr polka.
i just hope that class will go smoothly tomorrow. and lets jsut hope this works. i dont believe in mixed signals. especially given by a guy who is shy beyond the definition of shy.
i can only hope can't i.

kaira is missing!
something i seriously dont believe it.

you're everything i need.

list of things that happened in the past 24 hours.

• i fought with my mum.
• i cried like hell cause of it.
• i accidently messaged mr polka dots.
• he made me smile and cry at the same time.
• i went to haji lane and got myself a pair of shorts.
• i got myself a new comic book thanks to dunfu. he bought the shorts too.
• i fell in love.

thats about it folks. until next time!

guess what.
THE REST OF THE GIRLS GOT TO SEE MY MR POLKA DOTS BUT I DIDNT!

so try guessing how i feel right now.
i'd like to throw my uterus away right about now.

ITS ALL ABOUT YOU.

they tell me you're nothing to me.
but then you're everything to me.


i was going to go to school today simply because there was lab sessions for microbiology. but now im having cramps. menstural cramps that seem to have evolved and mutated into something so painful that i could get out of my bed until two plus in the afternoon.
it still hurts by the way. it hurts like hell. i have every mind to take my uterus out. and never have periods for the rest of my life. and i can adopt kids if i wanted to. then there is one less homeless little kid oout in the world. see? i'm helping a crisis here. i'm being a mighty good citizen.
dunfu says that he'll buy me a hot water bottle. something that i seriously need right now.

in my next life. i want to be a pampered pet. be it a dog or a kitten. just super majorly pampered. and loved by mr polkda dot. i really wouldn't mind that.

its okay if you don't believe. i'm not forcing you to do that. i wouldnt mind. but all i need is to know. but i wouldn't ask. i wouldn't make a move until i know for sure. they say i fall too deep.

its only you in my dreams.
you're the only one i need.
you'll be all i have until the end of time.
and you know it.


when you're gone.
the pieces of my heart are missing you.


so class was totally mad. where syafie was chasing nesha all over the place. he went on top of the table and i asked nesha to go below to run away from him. but it just seems wrong. syafie is one big guy by the way. and nesha said something about friction. kaira got turned on. rust me. she did.
bottomline. class was good yesterday and i wish i could have gone there today.

where did i got right?
how did i get you?

IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME

you're my foundation. in everything. i lay my love on you.


you're my sugar rush. there's never a time where i would ever want to leave you.


you're the colours that create beautiful rainbows in my life.

and you.
you're the one that i hold my hopes and dreams in.
knowing that you'll make it all okay.
i love you.


seven posts a day totally make my day.

dreams are my constant reality.
because only in them will i be able to have you all to myself.

JUST ONE STEP.

when its not alright.
when it not okay.
will you try to make me feel better?

would you tell me that its all going to be okay?

this is a list of what kaira wants me to do.

• kiss her. because i know she loves me.
• be a really hug brat to her.
• she wants me to tell her what i want on my wishlist so that she can buy everything for me.
• she wants me to ask her to drive me everywhere after she passes her test.
• and she want me to tell her that ben is so damn hot.

yeah. by the way. ben is my classmate. so is kaira.

KAIRA SAID THAT MY BLOG WAS RANDOM.
but she like it.
so a picture for you my dear.
have fun.


circle circle dot dot.

and mr polka dots is nowhere to be found.

oreo cheesecake is a pick me up in the morning.
especially in mornings like this.

and i can't wait to see mr polka dots!

LIVE EARTH.

TRANSFORMERS WAS THE SHIT!
and it was a funny combination of who i watched it with. mummy and dunfu. mummy paid for lunch. and that fat boy paid for the tickets. and i paid for nothing.
but then, TRANSFORMERS IS STILL THE SHIT.

bumblebee is the most understated hero of the century.
i want one for myself.


so live earth was over the weekend. and hopefully i did my part. even though i was working on saturday. i wore green underwear to show my support. but i wore green when i went to watch my movie yesterday alright! this goes to show how much i love mother earth. i seriously do.
i dont want to live in a place where when you walk into the ocean and its full of yucky black oil and trash all over the place. at this rate we are going, even the bahamas will be dirty like east coast park. do you really want that?
i know i dont.
and if glaciers start to melt. the first county to sink underwater would be bangkok. then shanghai. i dont want bangkok to sink! imagine all the shopping and the food to go underwater. i dont want an underwater shopping destination thank you very much.


i think i've blogged enough for live earth. i'm just not very happy that i wasn't asked to blog for 5 hours like some people did.
i get paid to blog too you know? it just that it only happens one a month and i only get a topic a month. unlike those stomp bloggers who get fat pay checks and blog every monday. and please. do you have any idea what kind of people actually read it?
i shall stop complaining.


random pictures are coming up soon. and videos. of jo getting raped and ross doing underwater ballet.

mr polka dots is the only one can make me smile during this emotional overdrive.

and obviously nicky boy and my coffee pee friend.

CIRCLE CIRCLE DOT DOT.

i got my booty shot.

cupid is being not very effective.
cause all i see is the ugly RP jacket and his cap.
all i see is his back.



just dont walk away from me.

ill follow you into the darkness.

ANGST OVERLOAD.

okay, so this is how it ends.

your things?
out of the door.

your messgaes?
deleted.

everything about you?
over it.

and the plain and simple reason why i'm doing this is that i want to have nothing to do with you. i've been used too many times. and i know i've been. maybe before all this, i may be willing to do what ever you wanted to do because i was so in love with you and i was willing to do what ever you wanted.

how does it feel to cheat on her, her and her?

honestly. i may have loved you. but dont you think that i might have morals? that i would willingly hurt someone so that i could get what i want? you honestly think that i would break up a relationship for my selfish needs?

remember one thing.
i'm not you.

getting rid of every single trace of you was difficult. but it is something that i should have done so long ago. i cried for you the last time. and its about time too.

you're not going to have any hold over me. i dont want you there. because you haven't been there for so long and i'm over it. all you're going to get from me is indifference.


this love has finally turned to hate.

i wont be manipulated by you anymore. i'll stop believing in you and your lies and everything you say.

one last thing.

fuck off and die.

love,
nessa.

CAUSE WE'RE TOO FAR GONE.

i was so full last night that i couldn't sleep.
and to add to the fact that i was sick as well. so sick that i couldn't breathe.

so here we are. with loads of pictures to make me happy.


thats uncle raymond.
the amazing guy who paid for all the yummy expensive food.


the first thing they asked was if we wanted still water or sparkling water.
and guess what.
it costs seven bucks a bottle.
so imagine how expensive the food is if the water is like that.










i was on an alcohol high last night.

with white wine.



its called grappa
its like lemon shots which is a shot of vodka and after that you put a wedge of lemon in your mouth. and the lemon has been dipped in sugar. so its sweet and sour.
grappa is all that mixed in one shot.
we got the chance to drink this thanks to the wonderful Luca.
his mummy made the drink.
cause he just got back from italy.

many many shots.


even ice cream has bourbon.

here come the highlight of the night.

chocolate lava cake!
its heaven.
and when i'm done.
i came back to the hell of a over bloated stomach so i ate too much.

the chef was cute. i know. but he wears crocs! major turnoff.
but Luca was nice.

i wanna marry an italian man who can cook such good food for me.


dunfu had coffee in the morning. so his pee will smell like coffee after word.
i dont know why he smells his pee.
dont ask me.


circle circle dot dot.
i'm in love with mr polka dots.

i guess most of you dont know.

that i cried the first time someone gave me a bouquet of flowers simply because it wasn't the right time and i didnt know what to do.
i simply didn't want a relationship right now.

somehow i know that she was planning something. because seb and ross and naz and sofina were all upstairs trying to make me stay upstairs. and they waited until i was willing to give them time and talk to them.
i know it was mean to make then wait. but i had no idea what i was to do.
and i'm sorry.

the flowers were beautiful. but i think that it was better if i kept away from this relationship.
that i kept away from any relationship right now because i'm not ready for anything.


i'm going to keep the promise with my bestfriend.
not to be in a relationship until i'm 21.

but there is always an exception for mr polka dots!

when i know the truth.
i feel so cheated by you.


lab work now.
and my hands are dying.
seriously.
it can't breathe.
my skin i mean.
and my hands are tired.


talking about skins.
i feel a desperate need to change my blogskin.